angel and mortal

it's a long time since i posted

2009-04-04T16:08:00.002+08:00

and i guess there's nothing much to blog about these days. I'm bored

I keep getting caught for various misdemeanors by my new RSM~ I can't imagine my luck

A cartoon Love song

2009-01-28T16:56:00.001+08:00

I opened my eyes last night and saw you in the low light
Walking down by the bay, on the shore, staring up at the planes that aren’t there anymore
I was feeling the night grow old and you were looking so cold
Like an introvert, I drew my over shirt
Around my arms and began to shiver violently before
You happened to look and see the tunnels all around me
Running into the dark underground
All the subways around create a great sound
To my motion fatigue: farewell
With your ear to a seashell
You can hear the waves in underwater caves
As if you actually were inside a saltwater room

Time together is just never quite enough
When you and I are alone, I’ve never felt so at home
What will it take to make or break this hint of love?
We need time, only time
When we’re apart whatever are you thinking of?
If this is what I call home, why does it feel so alone?
So tell me darling, do you wish we’d fall in love?
All the time, all the time

Can you believe that the crew has gone and wouldn’t let me sign on?
All my islands have sunk in the deep, so I can hardly relax or even oversleep
I feel as if I were home some nights when we count all the ship lights
I guess I’ll never know why sparrows love the snow
We’ll turn off all of the lights and set this ballroom aglow

*So tell me darling, do you wish we’d fall in love? all the time*
Time together is just never quite enough
When you and I are alone, I’ve never felt so at home
What will it take to make or break this hint of love?
We need time, only time
When we’re apart whatever are you thinking of?
If this is what I call home, why does it feel so alone?
So tell me darling, do you wish we’d fall in love?
All the time, all the time

Time together is just never quite enough
When we’re apart whatever are you thinking of?
What will it take to make or break this hint of love?
So tell me darling, do you wish we’d fall in love?
All the time

It's amazingly sweet. I could never write stuff like that. This is The Saltwater Room by Owl City. I oughta go out and get his CD

Reflections?

2009-01-04T17:40:00.002+08:00

I.Blogged.Like.A.Retard in the past

2008: the only month I felt alive in December. 1 out of 12, I must be a 2008 zombie

I don't wanna know what lies in 2009 mann

frustration

2008-12-28T16:12:00.002+08:00

I have up to that much of anger held to my chest mann. I just hate ill-logic or poor reason. I hate it most when people cannot justify their decisions that affect others (Wait, don't most decisions do that?) I'm about to revisit the past of Flaming

Let's call them Rank Bullies (RB for short)
These are a specific buncha people WHO hold this cool little emblems. They are characterized by their arrogance, sadism, lack of flexibility and most importantly, the inability to explain themselves. They are not pitiful, no they are not. They spend their whole lives in this work force that nobody can fathom how anyone could uphold such dedication. and now when it comes to work, They pull rank. WOW. I didn't expect such a response to come from whom whom whom but it actually did. I thought he was much more flexible than that when he was in the wrong even.

You know what? I think old men like to bully. Just because your rank is SO BIG, you can actually stifle arguments. So what's the point in all these "Leadership: Speak up" when it only needs one VETO by these illogical life-forms? This is a Fact of Life here, BUT IT SHOULD NOT BE TOLERATED. IT'S A THREAT THAT SHOULD BE ELIMINATED. I shall not speak more due to the sensitivity of the whole issue

On another note
Why're we attracted to some things and yet not affected by so many others? I don't know man

Lines and Circles

2008-12-14T19:20:00.002+08:00

Paint my world again
wish it's just another plain sheet
any colours and any media
there are no limits

In this dream of black white grey
when the track goes on and on
we think in lines that divide
more often than not
or we wish not to

in worlds of different shades
different swirls make different
colours make different worlds
of rings and moons

atmospheres make good fences
barring outsiders and keeping
insiders in ignorance where
empathy is the key

as crystals grow in our
fortresses of solitude
where the weather outside gets colder
and prometheus still didn't come

in dreams when our worlds were the same
i saw the circles and lines
the levels that I'm not
like a truth hitting you from
outer space

we're humans in different worlds
with different lights from the
same sun and we couldn't
dance the same again

time is lost and we lose
ourselves, there should be more
we hope but nothing left

the lines and circles divide
the infinite differentiations
the layers separate and
they get lifted

sensitivities have failed in
this painful place we call
the world
we should feel happy
for fireworks
but I've become an alien here

walk into the twilight now
where lines bend and
circles straighten to a world
when we can live again

and that's one year of soldiering today now...

Christmas Must be something more

2008-12-08T18:02:00.000+08:00

What if ribbons and bows didn't mean a thing?
Would the song still survive without five golden rings?
Would you still wanna kiss without a mistletoe?
What would happen if God never let it snow?
What would happen if Christmas Carols told a lie?
Tell me what you would find

You'd say that today holds something special
Something holy, not superficial
So here's to the birthday boy who saved our lives
It's something we all try to ignore
And put a wreath up on your door
So here's something you should know that is for sure
Christmas must be something more

What if angels did not pay attention to
All the things that we wish they would always do
What if happiness came in a cardboard box?
Then I'd think there was something we all forgot
What would happened presents all went away
Tell me what would you find

You'd say that today holds something special
Something holy, not superficial
So here's to the birthday boy who saved our lives
It's something we all try to ignore
And put a wreath up on your door
So here's something you should know that is for sure
Christmas must be something more

We get so caught up in all of it
Business and relationships
100 mile an hour lives
And it's this time of year
And everybody's here
It seems the last thing on your mind

Is that the day holds something special
Something holy, not superficial
So here's to Jesus Christ who saved our lives
It's something we all try to ignore
And put a wreath up on your door
Here's something you should know that is for sure
Christmas must be something…
Christmas must be something…
Christmas must be something more
There's gotta be more…
There's gotta be more…

lovely song by Taylor Swift

I feel a cold wind coming along

2008-12-05T21:12:00.002+08:00

it felt like this a long time ago. the day before taking my English finals. The feeling of dread and fear of the unknown. and the feeling that somehow deep down inside, my English essay will screw up and give me my current grade.

but that's past

now it's another of em exams. I think I've caught a phobia for exams. That sickly feeling of working for something and then it might just blow back on you, betraying you. For that, I daren't pin any hope on this.

Which is better? to be set down a path you don't really want? or to be absolutely lost in the illusion of alternatives? It's abit dumb blaming your own siblings for this fate, but it doesn't help feeling sorry for yourself for your entire life.

I think it's even worse blaming fate for bad life...but that's that.

Is there any way out of living up to expectations? or can I live with myself for being such a fail? It depends on perspective, that probably needs to be changed

I feel that this was a year meant to test me, and, short of the sanity part, I think I've failed big time. As of where I am now, I'm nowhere...or I rather anywhere but here

I feel a cold Christmas coming up...when results get revealed

That same feeling again...

Successful people should try inheriting my parents and my sister. At least, when I'm here, I have a little less pressure

would you find meaning for me?

2008-11-30T20:04:00.002+08:00

once again here
on a black brick road
leaden with gravel
with yet some more load

it goes long and hard
and destination unknown
struggling to make a mark
on a place scarred by many

they crawled and the toiled
ignoring them dancing around
a little green tree
decorated with stars

there is no one here
that the journey can endure
and it carried on and on
one step at a time

wake me up when we're there
for it's too long to stay
awake both night and day
for a meaningless leg and shoe

I hate wars

2008-11-23T17:43:00.002+08:00

seriously, when I say do something, I mean it. I'm not a slacker, but there's really no point in my being all enthu about something when MEN question me...superiors treat me like one of them before we even prove ourselves

Goodbye passion, hello slacking NOT

and I weave my emotions into the night with this...

2008-11-22T21:03:00.001+08:00

You're not alone
Together we stand
I'll be by your side
You know I'll take your hand
When it gets cold
And it feels like the end
There's no place to go
You know I won't give in
No, I won't give in

Keep holding on
Cause you know we'll make it through
We'll make it through
Just stay strong
Cause you know I'm here for you
I'm here for you
There's nothing you can say
Nothing you can do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So, keep holding on
Cause you know we'll make it through
We'll make it through

So far away
I wish you were here
Before it's too late
This could all disappear
Before the door's closed
And it comes to an end
With you by my side
I will fight and defend
I'll fight and defend, yeah, yeah

Keep holding on
Cause you know we'll make it through
We'll make it through
Just stay strong
Cause you know I'm here for you
I'm here for you
There's nothing you can say
Nothing you can do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So, keep holding on
Cause you know we'll make it through
We'll make it through

Hear me when I say
When I say "I believe.
Nothing's gonna change
Nothing's gonna change destiny
Whatever's meant to be
Will work out perfectly
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
La da da da, la da da da
La da da da da da da da da

Keep holding on
Cause you know we'll make it through
We'll make it through
Just stay strong
Cause you know I'm here for you
I'm here for you
There's nothing you can say
Nothing you can do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So, keep holding on
Cause you know we'll make it through
We'll make it through

-Ahh, ahh-
Keep holding on
-Ahh, ahh-
Keep holding on
There's nothing you can say
Nothing you can do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So, keep holding on
Cause you know we'll make it through
We'll make it through

Loan me some pages

2008-11-16T19:35:00.002+08:00

Give me a little diary
I can pen thoughts into
my little solace fairy
that noone can read too

there's stars there's moon
but nothing describes you
some words not in my
limited sense of vocabulary

forgive this lil flint
as I still tread lost paths
my little black pen can
only write so many words

it's been some time now
there's been some kinda lull
how've you been going there
breathing tis lil thin air

on a night when I walked
those closed streets again
when the cinema had its last
film of November dust

the picture's faded away
and I couldn't keep it in for a day
wrap that book in plastic
but it doesn't bring us closer to where we want to be

Tail we'll try again

2008-11-02T04:30:00.000+08:00

Since the moment I spotted you
Like walking 'round with little wings on my shoes
My stomach's filled with the butterflies
And it's alright
Bouncing round from cloud to cloud
I got the feelin' like I'm never gonna come down
If I said I didn't like it then you know I'd lied

Every time I try to talk to you
I get tongue-tied
Turns out, everything I say to you
Comes out wrong and never comes out right

So I'll say why don't you and I get together an' take on the world, be together forever
Heads we will and tails we'll try again
So I say why don't you and I hold each other, fly to the moon
and straight on to heaven
Cause without you they're never gonna let me in

When's this fever gonna break ?
I think I've handled more than any man can take
I'm like a love-sick puppy chasing you around
And it's alright
Bouncin' round from cloud to cloud
I got the feeling like I'm never gonna come down
If I said I didn't like it then you know I'd lied

Every time I try to talk to you
Get tongue-tied
Turns out, everything I say to you
Comes out wrong and never comes out right

So I'll say why don't you and I get together an' take on the world
and be together forever
Heads we will and tails we'll try again
So I say why don't you and I get together, fly to the moon
and straight on to heaven
Cause without you they're never gonna let me in

Slowly I begin to realize this is never gonna end
But about the same time you walk by
And I say oh here we go again, oh

Every time I try to talk to you
I get tongue-tied
Turns out, everything I say to you
Comes out wrong and never comes out right

So I'll say why don't you and I get together an' take on the world
and be together forever
Heads we will and tails we'll try again
So I say why don't you and I hold each other, fly to the moon
and straight on to heaven
Cause without you they're never gonna let me in

So I'll say why don't you and I get together take and on the world
and be together forever
Heads we will and tails we'll try again
So I say why don't you and I hold each other, fly to the moon
and straight on to heaven
Cause without you they're never gonna let me in

So I`ll say why don't you and I get together and take on the world
and be together forever
Heads we will and tails we'll try again

space dementia

2008-11-02T00:33:00.002+08:00

standing here all alone
in the middle of nowhere
don't know which way
to go - here or there

our words are lost here
where no air carries sound
lost voices with zero time
useless thrusters and engines

just to see you again
walking down that same lane
just a year after there
no matter how you're

we're gone tonight

2008-11-01T01:32:00.002+08:00

to another world
to a place unknown
where we'd never see
each other again

there's a dim moon
and a late night
morning light's far away
maybe just a day or two

if I let go now
the path is dark
and I'd lose my way
down there in the night

this time I wonder what it feels like

2008-10-26T00:42:00.000+08:00

Gotta Be Someone by Nickelback

This time
I wonder what it feels like
To find the one in this life
The one we all dream of
But dreams just aren't enough
So I'll be waiting for the real thing
I'll know it by the feeling
The moment when we're meeting
Will play out like a scene straight off the silver screen
So I'll be holdin' my breath
Right up to the end
Until that moment when
I find the one that I spend forever with

'Cause nobody wants to be the last one there
'Cause everyone wants to feel like someone cares
Someone to love with my life in their hands
There's gotta be somebody for me like that

'Cause nobody wants to go it on their own
And everyone wants to know they're not alone
Somebody else that feels the same somewhere
There's gotta be somebody for me out there

Tonight out on the street out in the moonlight
And dammit this feels too right
It's just like Déjà Vu
Me standin' here with you
So I'll be holdin' my breath
Could this be the end?
Is it that moment when
I find the one that I spend forever with?

'Cause nobody wants to be the last one there
'Cause everyone wants to feel like someone cares
Someone to love with my life in their hands
There's gotta be somebody for me like that

'Cause nobody wants to go it on their own
And everyone wants to know they're not alone
Is there somebody else that feels the same somewhere?
There's gotta be somebody for me out there

You can't give up!
Lookin' for that diamond in the rough
Because you never know when it shows up
Make sure you're holdin' on
'Cause it could be the one, the one you're waiting on

'Cause nobody wants to be the last one there
And everyone wants to feel like someone cares
Someone to love with my life in their hands
There has gotta be somebody for me
Ohhhhhh

Nobody wants to go it on their own
And everyone wants to know they're not alone
Is there somebody else that feels the same somewhere?
There's gotta be somebody for me out there

'Cause nobody wants to be the last one there
And everyone wants to feel like someone cares
Is there somebody else that feels the same somewhere?
There has gotta be somebody for me out there.

compare them

2008-10-18T01:14:00.002+08:00

Half Alive by Secondhand Serenade

It's four AM, I'm waking up to your perfume
Don't get up, I'll get through on my own
I don't know if I'm home
Or if I lost the way into your room
I'm spiraling into my doom
I'm feeling half alive but I know one day
You and I will be free,

To live and die by our own rules,
Free..
Despite the fact that men are fools.

I'm almost alive, and I need you to try
And save me.
It's okay that we're dying,
But I need to survive tonight, tonight.

Well excuse me while I get killed softly,
Heart slows down and I can hardly tell you I'm okay
At least 'til yesterday,
You know you got me off my highest guard,
Believe me when I say it's hard.
We'll get through this tonight
And I know one day you and I will be free

To live and die by our own rules,
Free..
Despite the fact that men are fools.

I'm almost alive, and I need you to try
And save me.
It's okay that we're dying,
But I need to survive tonight, tonight.

And you touch my hand ever so slightly
(Girl we're not ready for this yet)
And the deadly look she cast upon me
I won't regret, I won't regret
I won't regret. I won't regret...

And I was trying to disappear,
But you got me wrapped around you
I can hardly breathe without you
I was trying to disappear
But I got lost in your eyes now,
You brought me down to size now.

I'm almost alive
And I need you to try and save me.
It's okay that we're dying
But I need to survive tonight, tonight
Tonight...

I'm almost alive, and I need you to try
And save me.
It's okay that we're dying,
But I need to survive tonight, tonight.
I need to survive tonight, tonight

Vulnerable by Secondhand Serenade

Share with me the blankets that your wrapped in
because its cold outside cold outside its cold out side
share with me the secrets that you kept in
because its cold inside cold inside its cold inside

and your slowly shaking finger tips
show that you're scared like me so
lets pretend were alone
and I know you may be scared
and I know were unprepeared
but I don´t care

tell me tell me
what makes you think that you are invincible
I can see it in your eyes that you´re so sure
please don´t tell me that I´m the only one that´s vulnerable
impossible

I was born to tell you I love you
isn´t that a song already
I get a B in originality
and its true I can´t go on without you
your smile makes me see clear
if you could only see in the mirror what I see

and your slowly shaking finger tips
show that you're scared like me so
lets pretend were alone
and I know you may be scared
and I know were unprepeared
but I don´t care

tell me tell me
what makes you think that you are invincible
I can see it in your eyes that you´re so sure
please don´t tell me that I´m the only one that´s vulnerable
impossible

slow down girl your not going anywhere
just wait around and see
maybe I´m much more you never know what lies ahead
I promise I can be anyone I can be anything
just because you were hurt doesn´t mean you shouldn´t bleed
I can be anyone anything I promise I can be what you need

tell me tell me
what makes you think that you are invincible
I can see it in your eyes that you´re so sure
please don´t tell me that I´m the only one that´s vulnerable
impossible

feel like this...Secondhand Serenade before Fall For You

re-signed

2008-10-18T00:58:00.002+08:00

dim as street lights
shone as they fight
and she throws her hands
in giving up on him

she rushes away
hurriedly, without a delay
hopin he'd start after
but he had not

drunk as he was
the smell of alcohol
reeking in his breath
waiting for your call

he is stained and pained
stumbling over himself
tugging at heartstrings
of nobody and nothing

if I could answer your heart
may we make a restart
when tomorrow's a new day
for us, you and me, I pray

don't walk away, I'm broken
I'm in need of a token
let me wake up with you by
my side, i'd never leave you by

and he mutters those words
to himself, as silence rained
inwards to his soul when nothing
rang a bell, lost a memory

recession

2008-10-12T17:55:00.002+08:00

I realised something. Sometimes it's usually because of money that many sign on (you know what la) I'm fine now life in here. it's almost recession proof. meaning when it hits in, it's em perm staff that'd and temp staff that won't be affected. It's the fear of facing the outside world that people hide in here. so stable, so resilent, what's not to like.and the best part is....they don't value you for your education (like you only need O levels to be in mann)

but....still no way mann

paint a picture

2008-10-10T00:56:00.002+08:00

come let us take a picture
a photo of yester year
to remember our final days
as we toiled and struggled again

the little "do not disturb" sign
with a little selfish "shhhh"
spent our days having fun
all hung up in the library

retreat to our little corners
as we utilize our different methods
we take a thousand pictures
to capture a single memory

one year we're still on
walking a different path
we're far apart from one another
as we see the pictures of yesterday

come, let us gather once more
and let the shutter roll
let's take a picture again
of today once more

I Like this song

2008-09-28T19:39:00.001+08:00

The Man Who Can't Be Moved by The Script

Going back to the corner where I first saw you,
Gonna camp in my sleeping bag. I'm not gonna move,
Got some words on cardboard got your picture in my hand,
Saying if you see this girl can you tell her where I am,
Some try to hand me money they don't understand,
I'm not... broke I'm just a broken hearted man,
I know it makes no sense, but what else can I do,
How can I move on when I've been in love with you...

Cos if one day you wake up and find that you're missing me,
And your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I can be,
Thinking maybe you'd come back here to the place that we'd meet,
And you'd see me waiting for you on the corner of the street.

So I'm not moving...
I'm not moving.

Policeman says son you can't stay here,
I said there's someone I'm waiting for if it's a day, a month, a year,
Gotta stand my ground even if it rains or snows,
If she changes her mind this is the first place she will go.

Cos if one day you wake up and find that you're missing me,
And your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I can be,
Thinking maybe you'd come back here to the place that we'd meet,
And you'd see me waiting for you on the corner of the street.

So I'm not moving...
I'm not moving.

I'm not moving...
I'm not moving.

People talk about the guy
Whos waiting on a girl...
Oohoohwoo
There are no holes in his shoes
But a big hole in his world...
Hmmmm

Maybe I'll get famous as man who can't be moved,
And maybe you won't mean to but you'll see me on the news,
And you'll come running to the corner...
Cos you'll know it's just for you

I'm the man who can't be moved
I'm the man who can't be moved...

Cos if one day you wake up and find that you're missing me,
And your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I can be,
Thinking maybe you'd come back here to the place that we'd meet,
And you'd see me waiting for you on the corner of the street.
[Repeat in background]

So I'm not moving...
I'm not moving.

I'm not moving...
I'm not moving.

Going back to the corner where I first saw you,
Gonna camp in my sleeping bag not I'm not gonna move

very fairytale like...haha

somewhere in between

2008-09-28T17:26:00.002+08:00

that's just a little off from where I am. Ambiguous huh? My dinner yesterday was 3 slices of peanut butter bread, and an apple
but that's not what I'm here to talk about.

I can't imagine myself doing this for the next 30 years?

Covet

2008-09-21T17:30:00.004+08:00

"Don't we all think we were meant for something great and suddenly every thing gets taken away from you?" or something like it was mentioned by Jordan Rourk (Elisha Cuthbert) in My Sassy Girl, a 2008 remake of the Korean original. This was in the soldier scene...

We're all not special with some destiny promised to us without working and we all go through said scene up there when everything just goes down. When everything goes down, some of us covet. Yes, we wish we had this and that and blah blah blah

I think the root of evil is actually coveting. To wish you have something starts a seed of evil that begins growing in your mind. Nudging at you, with a seedling of greed. To want. blooms when you don't get and bitterness is its flower.

Most villains covet. I watched windriders 2 whereby the antagonist desired so much power that it drove him to commit so much atrocities. a boy raised by a pugilist became such a power monger ended up consumed by the power he sought and attained. It got creepy at the part when his body, ripped apart, crawled back together

Nothing worked so far this yr (including this lousy posting). I'm tired. I probably don't wanna covet cos it doesn't make me evil just one ranting lunatic.

Did I really not work as hard as my peers last year?Was it wrong to not have a clear direction on what I want to do? I couldn't have been so enamoured as to UNDER perform... but yet I still underperformed

Lord, show Your mighty hand and point it in the direction where You want me to go because I'm lost for life and tired. I hate this National Service and am unhappy in my unit. From where I stand, I feel like I'm running into a wall as of now. Lord, please...

Suck on this mann

2008-09-21T01:04:00.001+08:00

Soldiers Make Good Targets by Stereophonics

What kind of pace are we living now?
Watching wars live, via satellite
You carry a gun but no smoking inside
Escape disease yet I could get shot tonight

You
Shoot
You
Lose

The time has come and you're all alone
And you know you're not dreaming
It's heaven's door, you're ringing on the bell
Will they let you in, or you going to hell?

I'll take a war, I'll take mine with fries
Medium rare, wash a coke down with ice
Swallow it down no time to digest
What do you know, I'm feeling hungry again

You
Shoot
You
Loose

The time has come and you're all alone
And you know you're not dreaming
It's heaven's door, you're ringing on the bell
Will they let you in, or you going to hell?

One more abroad

2008-09-14T17:20:00.002+08:00

we've got minds in empty places
and no logic in meaningful spaces
we make plans and contingency
for incidents have no reality

what are forbidden streets
that free countrymen can't walk
a little gate barred by some
that lets threats in and out

it wasn't choice that brought us here
there's much future to be feared
we look stupid but noone bothers
because we blend right in

then I say "let's take to the runway"
and they point the finger at you
when we have to burn our pockets
purchasing self-ridicule and choice

they run and run, till they're short
and they still only made little
effort is given to things we want
to achieve in a single lifetime here

aye, there's weekends to burn
because we've nothing left to kill
the air reeks of foulness from incinerators
short of selling our own souls

this is the life we're made for
a little far cry from vision
stop looking at the colours
and see the painting of your home

there's much to be missed
but not as much to stay
a land of opportunities indeed
but many more rejections

when the road isn't so straight
where they've stopped smoothing
when they talk about us on TV
it's the reason why we're abroad

moonlight sonata

2008-09-14T01:39:00.002+08:00

let's dim the lights low
while we close the doors
etiquette takes a bow
as the chandelier turns

they spin round and round
waltzing under the twinkle
in new embrace they found
a partner on the ballroom floor

put on your mask now
clasp each others' palm
in a dance of the danger
and play a game of pretender

last light smooths out creases
made on the suits and dresses
posh and daring, elegance bares all
the theme for tonight:winter fall

food and drinks served for all
as there's jazz classical lyrical
latecomers not admitted; you are
invited to the moonlight sonata

goodness, there's no off in lieu of mid autumn. goodness! mooncakes kill my stomach and gives gastric

I don't wanna get turned out and get killed in action

I disapprove of alota ways people do things: especially when it's okay to take a life although there's a chance of a mistake

no one of the same rank, however senior, should go talk down to me when I only speak the language of humanity ( A life lost is never regained, don't say sorry and flash the card)

Open the window

2008-09-13T01:20:00.002+08:00

when the rain comes
that thunder sound
and the cool breeze wafts
its way around the room
don't close the windows
because you'd miss

the caress of a gentle wind
the air conditioning nature
of why red ants still crawl
their way up from the tree
to the wall despite weather

we'll sleep in the cold
with our blankets pulled
up so tight to our chins
we won't wake up till
the sun finally shines

with dreams that last long
that we could live lifetimes
away and then again now
wish away the bad things
that we didn't want to see

watch her sleep through
a window that wasn't closed
where the world just passes by
in the fall of a leaf
time stood still...

time like a train ran past
but it always stops by you
a moment that never happened
before I know what it's like
to watch her sleep through
an open window

based off my bunk where I switch on the fans to the max and open the windows. feels like air-cond and that sleep is good...

A Walk to Remember

2008-09-07T18:27:00.002+08:00

Imagine faith, when you're blind, when you're all lost, that's what we have left in the world, where riches and success fail. You realise that there's no choice

What is God's plan that we have tried so hard to decipher to no avail. I read the said title while in camp. it was kinda no effect

I read the bible, it offered no clue. It's not that I need a compass or something, I just need to be told that all THESE (all this shit that's currently my status in life) is temporary, but if it's a test, test what?

I'm weary as I bury yet another one in the graveyard of dreams
tombstones number high as there're no more survivors left
what is the anchorstone in life left, if not dreams?
nowhere we can realise anything more than a dream
no path that we walked before could have changed
God's mighty hand has led me down this thus
He doesn't let us down, but as of now
I still walk the valley of despair
and I question why I still live
Passage shortens more
Days still number
Wishes die
finally
none
-

fed up

2008-08-31T18:30:00.002+08:00

I'm so fed UPPPP!!!

when I see others having so much time (or making better use of their time in NS) I get really really really mad

just what the hell are we going through this motion for????

FED UPPPPP with a handful of anger held to my chest

bad boys

2008-08-26T22:50:00.002+08:00

watcha gonna do? why do you hate us so? to put us all into one single home??

yikes... I caught some OCTs in camp today with a video camera. they weren't illegal, just doing a project

pen a little poem
with blood and ink
scrawled in scratched writings
a little page on an open book

the camera lay there again
and its faded photos
faces we cannot recognise
but yet we still remember

a shunnable face now
and I couldn't show it anymore
a little disease from the
back of my little mind

and I can't continue anymore
for the words don't come
and endings all endless
we've lost our faith

time stands on a little cliff
where it was valued a little more
than just a mere second
clockwork gears that ran

that was when I felt life
pass me by as I lost
my gaze of you
who's gone so far away

God only knows how
it even started and how
it ended so badly
that we couldn't even bid well

I wish I could write a twist
and tear this page over

Pizza Palace

2008-08-10T02:17:00.002+08:00

more appropriately, Pizza slice
the pizza maker of 8 slices
the last number I remembered
the dough of olden days

He split the base into different
slices of assorted separate sizes
gave it to the different chefs
told them to work on the amount

He said the size was perfect for you
The best you can give
is limited by your ingredients
and the kind of kitchen

but my cheese isn't good
and the base too loose
the piece will fall apart
I told the pizza maker

He told me it was okay
and the rest of the better
dough and base were more
exhorbitant and impossible

But the others have it
they've gone on to better
restaurants and cafes
while i'm still in this kitchen

much as i demanded
much as i burned to get more
the same pizza still lay there

I can't continue writing this but I thought about this as I talked with Xue Yang on friday. He was kinda right, but it seemed rather ugh just accepting

We passed National Day. I wonder what it really means...loyalty to country anyone?

songs of so far away

2008-07-27T17:56:00.002+08:00

Viva Forever by the Spice Girls

Do you still remember how we used to be
Feeling together believe in whatever
My love has said to me
Both of us were dreamers Young love in the sun
Felt like my saviour My spirit I gave you
We'd only just begun
Hasta Manana Always be mine
Viva Forever I'll be waiting
Everlasting Like the sun
Live Forever for the moment
Ever searching for the world
Yes I still remember every whispered word
The touch of your skin, giving life from within
Like a love song that I've heard
Slipping through our fingers, like the sands of time
Promises made, every memory saved
Has reflections in my mind
Hasta Manana, always be mine
Viva Forever, I'll be waiting
Everlasting, Like the sun
Live Forever, For the moment
Ever searching, for the world
But we're all alone, was it just a dream
Feelings untold, They will never be sold
And the secrets safe with me
Hasta Manana, always be mine
Viva Forever, I'll be waiting
Everlasting, Like the sun
Live Forever, for the moment
Ever searching, for the world

When I was young, I was kinda intrigued with the MTV...and the song sounds so hauntingly reminiscent of some place far far away

I wish that with just a snap of a finger, I could be what I wasn't and not be what I am. Personal qualities I mean...

ghost of yesterday

2008-07-14T13:37:00.002+08:00

we laughed and cheered
as we played our games
some past, some tense
some not forgotten

our jokes could last
and I thought things
would never change
for better or worse

but here we stood at
crossroads to split paths
the same jokes weren't fun
and we're not the same anymore

times when we laughed
and now with plastic smiles
there's envy of dreams fulfilled
where my own have broken

I realized something with new friends
yesterday as we joked by the table
it was the past where innocence was
and all put into yesterday

I've no road left, not even now
this valley of no future reeks
the sighs and cries ring in my ears
as I joined the ghosts of yesterday

sweet dreams were made fulfilled
as they only remained dreams in dreams
what're loves of a lost lifetime
but broken fairy tales not written?

I wrote this because...my dad decided not to sponsor my Local studies (pharmacy) cos he said it's not a worth course/caus. He's still upset about the law rejection "(3 weeks) and he's slowly cutting me off. He's gonna terminate my line and not let me use the computer
that'd still be okay if I have back routes called scholarship. I thought that with pharmacy I'd try apply to work for A star (doubt they'd want me) but then I saw the eligibility was for biomed/physica/engineering sciences. so it's a no go too. NUS scholarship doesn't want me either. My current allowance in NS isn't enough to even cover 1 Semester. I'm counting the amount for 2 years WITHOUT me spending. With this I guess there's really no point in being a specialist. it's like my life stops here...I can't even bear to live to see myself godown degree-less

I don't know anymore paths left...

No Roads Left

2008-07-06T16:52:00.002+08:00

Linkin Park Lyrics
No Roads Left Lyrics

where is, wherein we're lookin
for fame, fortune, for fantasy
Shame knew where to hide
a long neck for the head underground

there is no road, nor map
one thing, I dunno how
I could have gone out this far
with little sun and rain here

wishes and desiress
they've all disappeared now
what am I made of that
I should be satisfied

fear and darkness
there's too much grey
too much high heights
that people fall from

finally when the sun sets
it doesn't mean a thing
that another meaningless day
has just passed away into dark

think I'm gonna take a break from blogging cos I kinda ran out of things to write per week. Why?

Remember our failures

2008-06-28T20:51:00.002+08:00

I get rather fixated on LOTR nowadays... The parallels that we can draw from it. but first...I found this on someone's blog

"...And I was thinking... What if something like this would happen with our own lives? When what is important to us is being snatched away from right under our noses, leaves us completely helpless and reeling with shock. And all we can do is to feebly protest and sulk because many circumstances are out of our control and we just can't do anything about it. I wonder if we'd feel frustrated and outraged and blame others. I wonder if we'd shrink into a corner and wallow in self-pity and blame ourselves.

Or we would be deeply humbled and stop relying on our own strengths, and fully understand that because many things are not in our control, we must trust and rely on the strength of The One who has all things in His control.

It's a choice every human being must make every day of his life. And just like how Turkey chose to hold their heads high with pride even though they were robbed of their well-deserved glory, I choose to look towards God, in which all things are possible through Him..."

sigh, I try my best to make room for a paradigm shift but still... it's bad for health taking pity on yourself, not to mention pathetic.

I read P.S I love You to the end (amazing how the book just keeps you going through the dumb things they do). I find that it's a much better fictional work than the movie (I fell asleep watching the movie and I think that the portrayal of characters in the movie kinda suck) and it's in camp that I do all that

I...never meant to miss my target on purpose

it's you...

2008-06-21T15:24:00.002+08:00

The land that I walked
this valley of sculptures
statues of mourning angels
strewn and scattered in pieces

Faces darkened in tears
they couldn't move to wipe
their hands were broken
but eyes still watched

there was a mountain
multiple bounds of fears
the sky overhead not clear
as red clouds threatened

halfway I saw a wing
fallen down from the sky
there was rain and a storm
as people scrambled for cover

My sight grew dim as
my step weighed heavier
the road grew long before
it collapsed before my eyes

A train came by the railway
never stopping for no station
I had no ticket for my destination
just a simple process of elimination

A car appeared out of nowhere
shiny diecast under some rust
I opened a door to see
but alas it was locked out to me

I have a key that takes me
nowhere near where I wanna go
it burned with a holy light
as if telling me that door was destiny

there's nothing much to choose, really
the crossroads were an illusion
I saw my hands become stone
as my legs rooted to the ground

I looked up to see the stars in the sky
but yet only a big cloud loomed overhead
the sunlight was blocked from the start
but I couldn't remember which day

as I struggled to twist and turn
inflexibilty was the ruler of the day
I turned my head a final time
to learn that it was my fallen wing on the ground

I had been chasing shadows all along
that one step in front was another's behind
dreams too big for myself I realized
I was thrown out of grace into failure

fuck is probably too strong a word to be written here. but rejection letters sure do come in fast and small. I wonder what I did wrong tho I really wanted to be successful in it (getting through that is)....but really... no one will sympathise if I started wailing about this and that so yeah. I guess it's all back to this now.

Maybe...

2008-06-14T18:48:00.000+08:00

Secondhand Serenade Lyrics
Maybe Lyrics

uh-huh

2008-06-08T16:31:00.002+08:00

Colbie Caillat Lyrics
Realize Lyrics

nice song to listen on a quiet afternoon. I'm gonna be gone for a while because I'm covering bloody regimental police. Somehow the logic don't add up. We're both the same status but yet I have to burn my weekend to do their job....amazing

when you believe

2008-06-08T01:55:00.001+08:00

Many nights we prayed
With no proof anyone could hear
In our hearts a hope for a song
We barely understood
Now we are not afraid
Although we know there's much to fear
We were moving mountains long
Before we knew we could, whoa
There can be miracles
When you believe
Though hope is frail
It's hard to kill
Who knows what miracles
You can achieve
When you believe somehow you will
You will when you believe
ohhh
In this time of fear
When prayer so often proves in vain
Hope seems like the summer bird
Too swiftly flown away
Yet now I'm standing here
My hearts so full, I can't explain
Seeking faith and speaking words
I never thought I'd say
There can be miracles
When you believe
Though hope is frail
It's hard to kill
Who knows what miracles
You can achieve
When you believe somehow you will
You will when you believe
ohhh
They don't always happen when you ask
And it's easy to give in to your fears
But when you're blinded by your pain
Can't see the way, get through the rain
A small but still, resilient voice
Says hope is very near, oh [oh]
(There can be miracles)
(When you believe)
Ohh...when you believe, ohh
[though hope is frail]
Frail
It's hard
(It's hard to kill)
To kill, ohh
Who knows what miracles
You can achieve
When you believe
(somehow you will)
somehow, somehow, somehow
(Now you will)
I know, I know
You will when you believe
You will when you believe
[oohoohooh]
Just believe
You will when you believe

it's not nice writing poems that blame god

2008-06-03T17:04:00.002+08:00

but I still write (based on my trip to mount faber today) I think here is where friends don't see anymore so yeah...

My house on a hill stands
Gaping wonder and awkward strands
an empty journal among leaves
trapped in the empty eaves

I started with red bricks
not mud,nor bony reed-sticks
probably toiled and fumbled
to make sure it's not crumbled

Oh there was sweat in the sun
it sure wasn't any kind of fun
for a nice red roof and white walls
that stand and never fall

I placed the fence and cement
packed them in with no comment
and I thought I had a place
in the avenue of lofty aspirations

It was a place, overlooking the sea
where 900 ships pass by a day
some fortifications on the back
I wonder what it could lack

but alas the guns were old
it couldn't stand a strong wind blow
shred by shred the bricks fell
all just at the sound of a knell

The Architect said "trust Me,
My plan is perfect"
As He refused to show the drawings
of the specifications of flawlessness

I missed the month of October
where foundations could at least
be laid stable to fall back on
when the four walls crumbled to dust

Aye aye, I trusted the Perfect Plan
but it couldn't deliver in time to come
with specifications most unsatisfactory
and comments speaking most of folly

as beams and pipes lay rusty
the floors then get dusty
there's no more stable shelter
the rain comes and I run helter skelter

using little straws to build humble huts
of Humiliation and desperation
I've got nowhere else to go
living day by day on my toe

seeing bungalows of galore built
a little jealousy and some self pity
and the owners lent me salt and pepper
in some bid for me to forget

but I still have it in me to build
another house of lesser quality
to stay in for eternity
but I think I won't put a door

My voice echoes in a concrete wall
as the ground lays empty devoid and all
what's left is my little journal
on the cold hard empty floor

As the pages grow lesser and less
my empty house still lies in a mess
there're no telephones for I don't
wanna hear people talk of their fine grapes
growing on the vine too high for me to reach

I was actually talking about the view on mount faber that was looking at Sentosa, the straits of SIngapore and NUS on the right. go find that part.you'll see bungalows on your way up

My Favourite Conversation from the matrix revolutions

2008-06-01T17:39:00.001+08:00

After an arduous battle in midair, Neo is smashed into the ground by an enraged Smith, making a large impact crater. Smith asks why Neo fights when he knows he will lose: "Is it freedom or truth? Perhaps peace? Could it be for love?", reasons which he believes are "temporary constructs of a feeble human intellect trying desperately to justify an existence that is without meaning or purpose, and all of them as artificial as the Matrix itself. You must be able to see it, Mr. Anderson, you must know it by now. You can't win, it's pointless to keep fighting. Why, Mr. Anderson, Why, why do you persist?"

and then life got low low low low low low low

2008-05-19T20:31:00.002+08:00

what the....

Kansas Lyrics
Dust In The Wind Lyrics

we're all just dust in the wind....

remember?

2008-05-17T23:43:00.001+08:00

what were you doing yesterday?

2008-05-17T17:51:00.002+08:00

thankfully, an end came to my stay at boon lay. I think I'll always remember my days at SISPEC as the time when I wrote so many pieces of criticism but so much got censored and never heard, and how sian-ned out we'd get outfield. The many marches of the zombies and lack of sleep ("your mind is weak" sound familiar?) someone ought to chuck a darned tight slap on the faces of Jagd-ass for saying such things.always wearing his gay skirts in shorts.always getting obnoxious in your nose (for God's sake, how'd a person who's fainted be able to answer his rank and name out loud for your old man ears to hear...what are you? stupid or uneducated?)

I've had multiple moments of weaknesses and gosh I dunno whether there'd be more where I'm going.

I titled this post as such because I recall some things that happened last year. I've done some silly things, written some really....uhhh stuff

and then again there're some things I wished I had done or not done. Regret can only plague dreams cos it's rather hard to manifest in reality...

imagine forgetting...

2008-05-11T15:51:00.003+08:00

I couldn't even start.sometimes we go high but even then the highest point is not high enough. what the whole world wants is not what I could give.

feeling all jaded, it's hard to feel apathetic about it all.I'm just one of the many many people harping on the same thing.

It's hard to look forward n I really wonder what had kept me through last year that's missing from this year

Remember a dream of a life past

imagine dreaming

2008-05-10T00:48:00.002+08:00

The most unimaginable of things occurred...

I fell asleep outfield dreaming. Familiar dreams

I woke up feeling just out of sorts and all. I just wanted to go home and think it out.or shout out into the darkness

What is a source of mental strength? or maybe what's wrong with me? It's retardedd isn't it? it's the same time ofthe year again.

against the wind

2008-05-04T02:44:00.000+08:00

t seems like yesterday
But it was long ago
Janey was lovely she was the queen of my nights
There in the darkness with the radio playing low
And the secrets that we shared
The mountains that we moved
Caught like a wildfire out of control
'Til there was nothing left to burn and nothing left to prove
And I remember what she said to me
How she swore that it never would end
I remember how she held me oh so tight
Wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then

Against the wind
We were runnin' against the wind
We were young and strong, we were runnin'
Against the wind

The years rolled slowly past
And I found myself alone
Surrounded by strangers I thought were my friends
I found myself further and further from my home
And I guess I lost my way
There were oh so many roads
I was living to run and running to live
Never worryied about paying or even how much I owed
Moving eight miles a minute for months at a time
Breaking all of the rules that would bend
I began to find myself searching
Searching for shelter again and again

Against the wind
A little something against the wind
I found myself seeking shelter sgainst the wind

Well those drifter's days are past me now
I've got so much more to think about
Deadlines and commitments
What to leave in, what to leave out

Against the wind
I'm still runnin' against the wind
I'm older now but still runnin' against the wind
Well I'm older now and still runnin'
Against the wind
Against the wind
Against the wind

Still runnin'
I'm still runnin' against the wind
I'm still runnin'
I'm still runnin' against the wind
Still runnin'
Runnin' against the wind
Runnin' against the wind
See the young man run
Watch the young man run
Watch the young man runnin'
He'll be runnin' against the wind
Let the cowboys ride
Let the cowboys ride
They'll be ridin' against the wind
Against the wind ...

they are the iron men of tomorrow

2008-05-04T00:57:00.002+08:00

It seemed like yesterday
that it rained till May
but we were young back then
fresh ideals and innocent

then came the sun from long
that whatever I did went wrong
and how they took off from here
flying against the wind

Here I stand rooted down
No thrusters nor stabilizers
They're the Iron Men of tomorrow
while I was yesterday's paper soldier

There's nothing to run from
For tomorrow's just today
As the sun goes up again
I smell the crisp of burnt paper

Another road collapses
as yet another future goes up
in flames it went, in glory not
I can only stare at what can't happen

I'm not Iron Man

2008-04-30T22:09:00.002+08:00

I wrote this poem out during Urban Ops field camp under the pretence of doing appraisal. In that old place, with the light illuminating in the darkness and back to back with chee siang.

Joy & Jubilation
They're in celebration
The spoils of victory
hung there in their story

I saw them reach far
out in the sky for a stay
What they found in their hands
Makes a huge towering fence

They're dancing in the moonlight
They're high over the moon
Then they looked at me for my part
Then I realised I had no place

Such is the fragility of life
that a small step can break
Like the flutter of a butterfly
crushed in a single beat of a wing

I look down that path I carved
Pebbled with stones into weeds
They laugh as they fly
Leaving behind tears to cry

I wander the ghost town now
of abandoned buildings that stare
I find no purpose in this walk
As I have nothing to talk

The lightning strikes again
As the light grows more faint
I join the league of fallen
only to stare up into Heaven

Tis the season of broken dreams
of wishes unfulfilled in a single life
I tried to hold onto a hand & another
and found that I'm lost forever

I close my eyes for another day
for broken hope greet tomorrow
With yesterday, there's tomorrow
But I'm out of time to borrow

fragility of life

2008-04-20T17:18:00.003+08:00

Imagine: where mistakes that may be committed are not forgiven. the repercussions affect you so much. One wrong step in a small scheme is not a bad step. but one wrong step in this important path.

This is what the fragility of life lies in. Where a single wrong step kills the future. wipes out the plans that we wanted to fulfill. How meaningless life can be now? What is the use of living well now? When the future just crashes and burns to the floor...I ran out of back up plans now

Was I wrong to be motivated by a feeling? Was aiming for success just too unjustified a reason for God?

All that I've come to know, has all fallen apart. In the simple reason of not achieving a high enough score
In life, it's okay to make mistakes if the consequences are not dire. but now...I'm like lost in limbo
and I still have to continue training...to what purpose? after 8 years, I finally realise the meaning of this song as I heard it yesterday

Linkin Park Lyrics
In The End Lyrics

Worst excuse of the week: Conditioning

2008-04-19T16:24:00.002+08:00

I don't know whether I ought to laugh or cry when I hear this.
We're deprived of sleep. We're exhausted. We're even more exhausted from carrying heavy loads (trust me, a soldier doesn't need so much load on his body). We can't show it on our faces. No no no. Our minds are weak. We're not conditioned. For a thug of dubious educational background, he sure has an authority on the areas of biology, especially in neurobiology and physiology. I oughta salute him. One actually wonders what goes on in his head, that he probably expects a war to come anytime soon, and the most shocking discovery is that all that he has been training is a paper army cos we'll just burn at one shot due to exhaust.

Nah, I guess we're all waiting for another death to improve on TSR only to ignore them, push and exhuast, sneer at those who fall out, wait for them to die then improve. You know I don't see myself being much of an operationally ready serviceman after 2 yrs if my back slants that way and my shoulders can't move much, knees all crapped and probably have had a history of heat injury. My, I'd be a paper soldier by then. It's one thing to make training tough, it's another to mock us for feeling tired.

A normal human being uses up to 5% of their human brain. I'm guessing this guy just lets his body do the talking. Oh yeah, that makes him one of the intellectually challenged ones. When you talk about training yourself to the next level, you have to know that there's still life after 2 years (dickhead)

Meanwhile I'm too sleepy. Lemme go catch up on sleep before my nose bleeds for the 20th time in the past 3 days.

and it starts bleeding

as the planes go by...

2008-04-06T15:24:00.002+08:00

We stand at the departure
The hall of sliding doors
Drifts of morning draft pass
as we're stop short at a counter

Exchanging yet another cardigan hug
The last well wish of warm wear
the bid of farewell of gritted teeth
as we try not to cry out loud in public

There's been too few days
There's been too little we appreciated
and now they're gone away
in a flight of realized dreams

Watching through the window
the terminal where they go
The journey of discovery and lessons
They're moving on to the next

I watch the planes move on the runway
There's so many of them
and yet so little time to spare
and then they flew away

Aye, it's time that we healed
but I rather not want to feel
The sadness of a thousand goodbyes
all gone like a fleet of birds

Yet another one goes off to better
Every heart that yearns for one
Every soul that longs to be free
They couldn't join everyone there

And now evening comes again
when time runs too fast for me
The sun sets at this hill and yet
we're plunged into blindness again

I can't stop the memories that come
I am weary from the way they go
I have lost the way home
bad yet I trudge my aimless route

Another week, another day
that the planes go by again
our friends depart one by one
as I watch them all fly away

For a special someone I seriously hate

2008-04-06T14:50:00.001+08:00

Goodbye Mr A by the Hoosiers

There's a hole in your logic
You who know all the answers
You can sigh and say magic
And expect me to buy it

And Goodbye Mr A
You promised you would love us
But you knew too much
Goodbye Mr A
You had all the answer
But no human touch
If life is subtraction
Your number is up
Your love is a fraction
It's not any more

Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh
(Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh)
(Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh)
(Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh)

So busy showing me where i'm wrong
You forgot to switch your feelings on
Oh-Oh-Oh
So so superior, your not
You love a little bit but you forgot

Goodby Mr A
You promised you would love us
But you knew too much
Goodbye Mr A
You had all the answers
But no human touch
If life is subtraction
Your number is up
Your love is a fraction
It's not any more

Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh
(Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh)
(Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh)
(Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh)

(Goodbye Mr A)
(Goodbye Mr A)

Goodbye Mr A
The world was full of wonder till you opened my eyes
Goodbye Mr A
(Goodbye Mr A)
Wish you hadn't blown my mind and killed the suprise
Goodbye Mr A
You promised you would love us but you knew to much
Goodbye Mr A
You had all the answers
But no human touch
If life is subtraction
Your number is up
Your love is a fraction
It's not any more

(Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh)

Held Back

2008-04-06T01:23:00.002+08:00

Having control over NSF's book out timing is really something and should not be granted to instructors cos some people will abuse. I wonder how they actually sleep at night. I hope you'll never be able to find out what's wrong with your kids cos you don't deserve to have them turn out alright when you mess around with the freedom of a large group of civilians

Remember that at the end of the day, order and chaos are separated by a thin line of authority and authority in society is only as far as recognition can go. The day that anarchy is the ruling force, when you pick that string too much and chords snap, is when you wish you had known you were better.

This power over when to book out shouldn't be controlled by anyone and strictly adhered to despite any lapses in programs. WE ARE NOT REGULARS FOR GOD'S SAKE

I don't see the need for waking up so early just to do some exercises when we can wake up later and more refreshed. To think that keeping awake during a lecture is as easy as they said, I would like to see how such forceful is effective.

Sometimes I think that people still assume that this is old school. Imagine what happens when recognition of enforcers and higher authorities fail, and all that remains are all pictures on sleeves and epaulettes. Imagine the chaos it'd bring society when human beings lose sight of heirachy because of a more basic need for freedom...

what's the use of a locked door when it can be unlocked and people can come in anytime?

swearing in the summer rain...

2008-03-30T01:39:00.002+08:00

funny..how I'm listening to such a retro-techno hit to feel good in the weekend. I want to sleep at home all nights. Imagine...losing sight of even why you're in the army.ooh bleak future, I think I'm currently dangerous to myself with a weapon as of right now. I wrote in my other post about my disappointment in my life. ah well

it was titled "why" and many times I just question it myself. I feel like I'm all hollowed out by the whole experience. I did describe the process of how someone can break down like that.

Right down to the core of my soul, there's an aching in my being and the inability to listen to the good times music just makes it all the worse.it's horrible being without music

yet another stage to go in life

2008-03-24T00:17:00.002+08:00

Run by Snow Patrol

I'll sing it one last time for you
Then we really have to go
You've been the only thing that's right
In all i've done.

And I can barely look at you
But every single time I do
I know we'll make it anywhere
Away from here

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear

Louder louder
And we'll run for our lives
I can hardly speak I understand
Why you can't raise your voice to say

To think I might not see those eyes
Makes it so hard not to cry
And as we say our long goodbye
I nearly do

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear

Louder louder
And we'll run for our lives
I can hardly speak I understand
Why you can't raise your voice to say

Slower slower
We don't have time for that
All I want is to find an easier way
To get out of our little heads

Have heart my dear
We're bound to be afraid
Even if it's just for a few days
Making up for all this mess

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear

I really miss the old days...at this time last year, I think I was feeling rather confused and trying to make sense of myself then. I think I was a fool to have shown it but yet...it's too late.

let me write on your wall

2008-03-23T01:54:00.002+08:00

Let me write on your wall
the last sentiments of last fall
the little memories of my heart
imprinted onto imaginery cards

Let me paint on your wall
the photographs of a last call
the night under the amber lights
as my emotions take a flight

Let me carve on your wall
the words that seem all
all misheard and misunderstood
reverse time as if they could

Let me sit against your wall
dreaming of dreams tall
little drool, mouth hanging open
as head hits the side

Let me lean on your wall
feel the cold hard bricks
hardened by cement
sturdy against weather over time

Let me cross over your wall
as memories of old times and gall
little pictures of dare and scare
the last times of the happiness of our lives

I miss the old times of old
like before time started to fold
when Cinderella had it magical
before the clock struck twelve

Let me break down this wall
in 7 years that is too long
that I forever remember to keep strong
that you've always been on my mind

this has been a bad year for me

2008-03-21T11:45:00.002+08:00

Santa Claus didn't come by
He didn't drop a present for me
Down by the chimney
Under my Christmas tree

I wrote to him a-many times
I tried to be fluffy and nice
Sometimes I just can't
but people just take a stand

My legs are tired as I try run
I realise that this is no fun
Santa, won't you give me
A Christmas present from thee

There's so much a child can take
with a plastic smile so fake
I go to bed with my hopes high
only to wake to see em all go dry

I shake my snow-globe another time
just looking for a little dime
the past few years have been bare
sometimes I try to think I don't care

Santa, my friends have all got theirs
I feel left out when mine's not there
They make snow angels and balls
As I huddle in the corner of the hall

The soldiers march by in winter
as I stand up to pull the splinter
My frozen tears are hidden on cheek
I hope noone sees the day they leak

Santa, I'm a bundle of imperfection
and I'm nowhere near your "nice" list
Santa, I've got out of bed so many times
and there's just too many crimes

I still await to see my snow flakes
and my Christmas miracle another
Santa, I know I can't get nice
but I'll try my best disappointed

contemplations of failure

2008-03-21T01:18:00.002+08:00

I'll bet this is going to be another post of self-pity and frustration.

You ever thought that the things that happen in your life are just rather mismatched? I thought so. I think the army has made me some kinda slob and mega-ass angst-y one at that too. I notice myself absolving myself of blame and even venting frustration on others. I think my worst crime is actually claiming to follow the principles of Christianity but then in reality being so far from Christ that I can hardly see the light. In this darkness, I grow weak in self-scorn, confusion and low morale

Imagine that heavy weight in your heart each time you have to even put on long 4. Did I mention that there were a couple of times that I just wanted to cry there? So many times of low morale that just kept getting worse and worse. Nobody was born for the army, but some get affected by it lots. Surprisingly, I think I've run dry on whatever strength kept me going for so long last year and I find it hard to find another source of energy. I fear the future so much, whether my mind will be able to last the rigorous training that lies ahead, I think I actually pray for a light to show up again. I also worry if I come out of the training a better person, considering that I've become such a terrible animal inside, I don't want to spread such ill mind-sets to others. Impressionable others.

I envy the girls in their practice at personal statements for applications. I find writing such things a hassle and it's even worse when you can't even think of the words to sound appropriate. They don't just drop from the sky. I find my confidence in thinking of em words is also lowered. I found it quite irritating that my father asked me to apply for this and that and keep imposing values unto me that I don't subscribe to. This sounds so dramatic when I don't want to walk that straight path, adding the stiff competition into the mix just makes applying for this and that an uphill task.

Sometimes, I feel that my score is rather on the wrong sides. My father keeps saying I never studied enough, but I thought that I'd break down if I had moved any harder. I think that if I had been in another family, there'd be less pressure on me and I'd probably be much happier with my score. There's just so much pressure coming in from all sides and there's the army to contend with and there's my dissatisfaction with how I actually turn out. I'm like some tainted soul with no direction. I just might be heading my way down to depression

When I showed my father attitude(I mean it was my fault for being less tolerant of his incessant insisitence that I applied for that NUS scholarship which doesn't affect me cos it's academic year 2008-2009) he rebuked me with so many accusations and salt in my wounds.

It hurts alot to hear that your friends do better than you, especially when you were teaching them in exams. It hurts to hear that all your father can say about your BMT performance is that you didn't try your best when I was fighting mental demons and at the teethers of my mental strength, actually resisting the wave of immorality and low morale. It hurts to see that your own father just doesn't understand the situation that I am in, doesn't see this or that but just keep looking opportunities

I'm so tired out from studying and thinking, and I still haven't got any rest because of the army. One after another, when I need to think of this and that

I get fed up so easily and I see block leave coming to an end...I don't know mann

For the first time in my life, I ask for a light...and to regain my energy. I ask for someone to come forward with a reasonable troubleshoot, because God... I just can't go on anymore
I wish to be free far away from all these

I need...help

before it's too late by goo goo dolls

2008-03-20T13:17:00.002+08:00

I wander through fiction
To look for the truth
Buried beneath all the lies
And I stood at a distance
To feel who you are
Hiding myself in your eyes

Hold on before it's too late
Until we leave this behind
Don't fall, just be who you are
It's all that we need in our lives

And the risk that might break you
Is the one that would say:
A life you don't live is still lost
So stand on the edge with me
Hold back your fear and see
Nothing is real 'til it's gone

Hold on before it's too late
Until we leave this behind
Don't fall, just be who you are
It's all that we need in our lives

So live like you mean it
And love 'til you feel it
It's all that we need in our lives
So stand on the edge with me
Hold back your fear and see
Nothing is real 'til it's gone

Hold on before it's too late
Until we leave this behind
Don't fall, just be who you are
It's all that we need in our lives

Hold on before it's too late
Until we leave this behind
Don't fall, just be who you are
It's all that we need in our lives

It's all that we need in our lives

It's all that I need in my life

this song brings back much memories. watching Transformers in the middle of Prelims...sigh

another huff and puff of frustration

2008-03-20T00:53:00.003+08:00

Fed up fed up fed up fed up

Perhaps I'm having bipolar disorder of some sort, having em ups and downs in days

For one thing, I still contemplate setting fire to em appealers (whether you were successful or not) Of course it's fair that you take a stab at a better life and future by going behind your friends' backs and do a fast one to get ahead of em. Aye, its survival instinct. Since in the particular age in society, perfection is like a total must ( gee, that kinda leaves the imperfect losers like me probably sweeping the floor), that even perfect scores are rather shaky, we buff up the CV with monstrous CIP efforts. Hey, I'm not complaining if it benefits the ones concerned cos sincere or not, these suckers actually do good to society.

Me? I sit here and complain, complain complain and grumble and of course take pity on myself (as I am typing, you know it's true) while still worrying about applications (scholarships kinda far away with like 142 and maybe a bit more above you, it's RATHER worrying) and unit posting ("candidates must qualify for and excel in OCS" sound familiar?)...

There're just some things you don't just treat things so bloody lightly here. and it's your grades. Imagine when people tell you it's good enough and then they go score higher than you. I thought the worst pain to the soul remark made while I was in confinement was..."ay why he do so badly ah?" "aiyah, that's cos he was distracted" I wasn't distracted for crying out loud. I was concentrating on work like everyone else ( though they did score higher). and no no no, my grade isn't considered good. For goodness sake, it doesn't matter if it's good world-wide. I'm not planning to go overseas. I grew up here and I certainly plan on studying here and living here and contribute to here. for HERE, I've got a score that's bloody dirty and can't get anywhere if the relevant authorities are mean. that means i probably only contribute by sweeping the floor or construct buildings with no educational certs. What a way to go in life...contributing as a nobody

I've pretty much accepted all that stuff about God's plan ( for me to be humiliated with such a generous grade). Aye, to prosper me and not to sabo me. Too bad, my expectations were severely disappointed (I don't think I can blame God when it's probably I didn 't work hard enough) oooh, in the almighty God's plan, I'm probably a small dot that contributes by sweeping the floor of the streets ( I don't even dare to insult BSC or BA grads by saying I qualify for em). and what do we do about this? probably just suck thumb (shouting at the heavens...asking "why why why" won't change anything. only the police and IMH coming to get you)
well yeah, lemme go look at em brooms to see which one best sweeps the streets.

I've got another infuriating matter to say but I rather not, cos it's sensitive

Hey, call me a sore loser alright? that's what I am, not being sporting at congratulating em appealers for being successful at their appeals but instead choosing to spit in their faces.

I probably don't want to know where I'm posted to cos it's most likely not where I want to go and the odds are just...

Night...

fall for you by secondhand serenade

2008-03-19T01:22:00.002+08:00

The best thing about tonight's that we're not fighting
Could it be that we have been this way before
I know you don't think that I am trying
I know you're wearing thin down to the core

But hold your breathe
Because tonight will be the night that I will fall for you
Over again
Don't make me change my mind
Or I wont live to see another day
I swear it's true
Because a girl like you is impossible to find
Your impossible to find

This is not what I intended
I always swore to you i'd never fall apart
You always thought that I was stronger
I may of failed
But I have loved you from the start
Ohhhh

But hold your breathe
Because tonight will be the night that I will fall for you
Over again
Don't make me change my mind
Or I wont live to see another day
I swear it's true
Because a girl like you is impossible to find
It's impossible

So breathe in so deep
Breathe me in
I'm yours to keep
And hold onto your words
Cuz talk is cheap
And remember me tonight
When your asleep

Because tonight will be the night that I will fall for you
Over again
Don't make me change my mind
Or I wont live to see another day
I swear it's true
Because a girl like you is impossible to find
Tonight will be the night that I will fall for you
Over again
Don't make me change my mind
Or I wont live to see another day
I swear it's true
Because a girl like you is impossible to find
Your impossible to find

the girl's not secondhand serenade...but I like her rendition best. This song was introduced to me by Nigel in the bunk. We're the only ones in the platoon who probably listen to Secondhand Serenade

I'm a green-eyed monster who's too lazy to blog my thoughts

2008-03-18T00:57:00.002+08:00

Well, I did want to put in song lyrics but gave up looking for it all over the Internet. I looked at what I blogged in 2006 and thought it was rather immature. Such trivial worries and such childish responses! Twit Language ALERT! and why did I sound so desperate ( and blatant for that matter)? I probably don't know.

Well this is something better to blog about than some lyrics. Have I come a long way from where I was? I don't know ( I mean, I don't look in the mirror and say "Damn, I've matured." you know) I've still got the same bitchy tendencies (with a whole faceful of nastiness added on) with my juvenile mindset

I thought that in the army, I was this little boy who still had trouble trying to grow up. Imagine getting so independent. They said it'd make you a man, but I still thought I was a boy refusing to grow up, stupidly stubborn in my ways, horridly resistant to change, absolutely like a child.

Maybe that's why I'll always be unable to move on. I'll never see past myself and my flaws cos I'm so bull-headed in thinking "It's not my fault. it's (slot in whatever stupid excuse you can think of to get me off the hook) "

Now, out for a while, I still harbour the same thoughts...and I'm still always envious and jealous, which makes me the green-eyed monster. Always coveting what others have

In short, I'm still the same horrible person I've been and probably worse than before enlistment

and still, I point my finger at em appealers. Goodness, I worried about my future in camp before I heard this news, and now? I'm pessimistic about it.

It's hard to see from my point of view when your points are so high. It's hard to understand my worries when you're so high up in the clouds. I'm not whining about ghosts, I'm just being realistic. Sometimes, confidence in yourself don't seem to work at national level. I base my exclamations on calculations and estimating all scenarios. I can't say much for those that scored below 38 ( I oughta shut up, that's what they'd say.) but if they're capable of hoping, then they can cross their fingers and do so. I think I refuse to listen to this lie that my grade is okay now. Well it is okay, but it's no ticket to a good concert seat or even my desired spot in the concert venue
With such stiff competition in the market, to believe in the lie that we're that prestigious in the eyes of the university board as compared to the A levelers, takes money.

If you think I'm whining about nothing or what...look at your own score, see if it's more than 40 and then, try not to put yourself into my shoes, they're too small for your big feet cos you'll never be able to sympathize when you're on top.
and if it's lower and you just heck care the world, well, that's good for you, cos I'm a worryer

Everyone's a worryer and everyone is most concerned about their future. IF I made you feel like shit ( I hope not), I really apologize but I too envy those who are able to apply overseas with 40 points

To hope that more people above you get out of the race or go overseas to reduce the competition, I think that's kinda hopeless senselessness. To the point of hoping in the things you can't control.

why burst your bubble? it's reality...Welcome back to earth. I don't like bubbles. that's why I grouse about the future that I can do nothing about.

glug glug glug

2008-03-16T01:19:00.001+08:00

basically the sounds that are emitted from my gut now. food poisoning in the time of block leave ain't fun at all. my gut sounds like a damn fish tank...

and then again...

2008-03-13T00:19:00.002+08:00

Now that one stage is over, how about a little reflections...

1. Gosh, I probably ran the furthest away from God while in camp or out field (Bible inside drawer never really read)

2. I failed to achieve what I had set out to do - keep fit (grew fatter, gained weight, allowed myself to sink into the deep recesses where civilization shuns)

3. I got depressed and disillusioned (Goodness knows how people can raise the morale)

my complexion is a mess...and my sleeping habits are haywire.

too sleepy, and I still can't forget.

thank goodness for the rain!

2008-03-09T16:41:00.001+08:00

When It Rains by Paramore

And when it rains,
On this side of town it touches, everything.
Just say it again and mean it.
We don't miss a thing.
You made yourself a bed
At the bottom of the blackest hole (blackest hole)
And convinced yourself that
It's not the reason you don't see the sun anymore

And oh, oh, how could you do it?
Oh I, I never saw it coming.
Oh, oh, I need the ending.
So why can't you stay
Just long enough to explain?

And when it rains,
Will you always find an escape?
Just running away,
From all of the ones who love you,
From everything.
You made yourself a bed
At the bottom of the blackest hole (blackest hole)
And you'll sleep 'til May
And you'll say that you don't want to see the sun anymore

And oh, oh, how could you do it?
Oh I, I never saw it coming.
And oh, oh, I need the ending.
So why can't you stay just long enough to explain?

Take your time.
Take my time.

Take these chances to turn it around. (take your time)
Take these chances, we'll make it somehow
And take these chances to turn it around. (take my...)
Just turn it around.

Oh, how could you do it?
Oh I, I never saw it coming.
Oh, oh, how could you do it?
Oh I, I never saw it coming.
Oh, oh, how could you do it?
Oh I, I never saw it coming.
Oh, oh I need an ending.
So why can't you stay
Just long enough to explain?

You can take your time, take my time.

cc-cur-cur-sing through mud and sl-sl-sludge

2008-03-02T11:41:00.002+08:00

this is how you waste your life away...doing things for the sake of doing. sometimes i really wonder the actual purpose that people want to achieve when they just tell you to do this and that.

Am I whining? hell yeah

I hate it when people with attitude problems go flash their little achievements when the difference between us and them is TIME. For God's sake, we're a year later than you and probably have that same attitude as you but you get to claim lord?

Do you know what's the WORST thing about it all? Three words: Just Suck Thumb...oh yeah, the system goes like this amidst moans groans blood and tears but little improvements are made. No....we can't argue ( The hell we can't, they're so freaking stupid they don't see reason AT ALL)
sometimes you really wonder about the amount of rubbish loading OUT of their mouths...how come civilisation is all lost in a matter of foul language and training

Culture: something that was lost right there and then. Talking with a finger pointing out loud and spitting while doing so just makes for one kind of an unclassed wolverine of bastardly origins. Claws all bared, fangs glistening with saliva, they make some fine dogs for the police...but then they bear this distinctive resemblance to humanoids.they certainly can't stand for us to act like we're humans, resistence to this dehumanizing process.aye, free time shouldn't be used for some crap ( I mean it, my house is dirtier)

aye, I've become lazy and lethargic. probably weak-minded too. overbearing, impatient even more than ever. the worst part of me is: I'm actually at a loss of words for essays, at loss about the future. I'm disorientated about lil ol life.oh...and memory lapses

for God's sake, advertisements are over-rated. The real thing? It just gets me fed up with life

where are the walls that said they had ears to hear? I think it's a false rumour. They weren't there when my back hurt and needed to lean, nor when I needed some yelling at. An empty echo is all I got and you can see how much talking to one's self unhinges me and broke my spirit. I probably don't even dare to write a poem for the broken bits and pieces will get exaggerated.
Many of us weren't made for this, but the walls whisper that many have gone and survived worse, but at what cost?

I fear I've lost my mind and most certainly my resolve.

I remember the times when I used to dream but now, I only wish for my mind to keep still in slumber

if i had eyes

2008-02-23T13:42:00.001+08:00

by Jack Johnson

If I had eyes in the back of my head
I would have told you that
You looked good
As I walked away

And if you could've tried to trust the hand that fed
You would've never been hungry
But you never really be

The more of this or less of this or is there any difference
or are we just holding onto the things we don't have anymore

Sometimes time doesn't heal
No not at all
Just stand still
While we fall
In or out of love again I doubt I'm gonna win you back
When you got eyes like that
It won't let me in
Always looking out

Lot of people spend their time just floating
We were victims together but lonely
You got hungry eyes that just can't look forward
Can't give them enough but we just can't start over
Building with bent nails we're
falling but holding, I don't wanna take up anymore of your time
Time time time

Sometimes time doesn't heal
No not at all
Just stand still
While we fall
In or out of love again I doubt I'm gonna win you back
When you got eyes like that
It won't let me in
Always looking out
Always lookin

walking after you....

2008-02-23T00:10:00.002+08:00

it seems like some years
and then like just yesterday
what an empty room last held
and where you have gone

the days seem slow and the
clouds seem still in a grey sky
the world's stopped spinning
night and day ceased timing

there's nothing much to be missed
about letters and poems here
how do you look at a picture
and laugh and cry at the same

the stars are coming out tonight
the moon lights up the sky tonight
they're all shining there for you
where blessings uncounted hang

broken

2008-02-17T00:58:00.002+08:00

The Broken clock is a comfort
It helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow
From stealing all my time
And I am here still waiting
Though I still have my doubts
I am damaged at best
Like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain
There is healing
In your name
I find meaning
So I'm holding on
I'm barely holding on to you

The broken locks were a warning
You got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded
I'm an open book instead
And I still see your reflection
Inside of my eyes
That are looking for purpose
They're still looking for life

I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing

With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain (In the pain)
Is there healing
In your name
I find meaning
So I'm holding on (I'm still holdin on)(I'm holdin on)
(I'm still holdin on) (I'm holdin on)
I'm barely holding on to you

I'm hanging on another day
Just to see what, you will throw my way
And I'm hanging on, to the words you say
You said that I will, will be okay
The broken light on the freeway
Left me here alone
I may have lost my way now
But I haven't forgotten my way home

I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain (In the pain)
There is healing
In your name (In your name)
I find meaning
So I'm holding on (I'm still holdin')(I'm holdin' on)(I'm still holdin') (I'm holdin' on) (I'm still holdin')
Barely holding on to you (I'm still holdin on)
Barely holdin on to you

i grow wearier and wearier even before I reach the end. I don't know what's wrong with me, but I kinda find alota things having no meaning now. Sometimes I really wonder what it's all for...I really wonder....

farewell's got me thinking...

2008-02-09T01:19:00.000+08:00

Ever since Friday morning, when we sent off Christianne, I was thinking of a separate issue. funny...how a single sendoff can actually bring about so much recollection. that got me thinking the entire day

I know the sun shines everyday
all clouds white black or grey
yet today was another rainy day
as the cold bitter wind blows

Strumming my guitar for ages
I pluck the same tune and chords
as the strings rust in the rain
and the leaves sigh and rustle

this solitary moment I am in
a moment that lasts forever
as the scene keeps playing over
like a broken video machine

I've seen the past so many
seconds and minutes that
turn to hours and days
count-less how many you ran

I'm caught in this isolation
the surrounding a deafening silence
not a single soul or ear
this emptiness

thousands of kilometres away
some I can't cross in a day
others stop and stare
wonder why it's not fair

there's a bridge i tried to build
another I couldn't cross
I try to stare and smile
and put it all behind me

it starts to get colder now
as i still wonder how you are
i try to forget what happened past
but you're just too good to forget

nothing moves

2008-02-07T21:53:00.000+08:00

we're taking a break now
at room number 3 of glass
moving doors and belts
with little trolleys of luggage

I think it's time for your call
how suitcases sound so loud
with a thud as they take a fall
an entire life squeezed into kg's

You've come so far, my friend
but yet it's not reached the end
the rest of us stop and stare
as tis where dreams take off

I'll remember the times
when books and exams were
our biggest enemies, laughter
yet in the midst of our hardened butts

from the first day you stepped in
till the last day of an old life
though we move and go nowhere
I still smile and know you're okay

forgive our reluctant faces, and how
we hide our emotional states
when we finally say goodbye
in our modest shaven heads

early in the morning at
the terminal and runway
before the plane lifts off
I finally say....farewell

aye, tis for Christianne who's going Melbourne on Friday 8 Feb 2008. Though we've been ass cracks half the time we were with you, we'll miss you through and through...and your cooking of course :P
Hope you'll adjust to life there in Melbourne, and make many new hot guy friends (not forgetting the girls)
God bless...

Damn I realised that's the first post I put up with prose in it.

stop and stare

2008-02-06T21:47:00.000+08:00

This town is cooler now
I think it's sick of us
It's time to make our move
I'm shakin' off the rust
I've got my heart set on anywhere but here
I'm staring down myself, counting up the years
Steady hands just take the wheel
Every glance is killing me
Time to make one last appeal for the life I lead

Stop and stare
I think I'm moving, but I go nowhere
Yeah, I know that everyone gets scared
But I've become what I can't be
Stop and stare
You start to wonder why you're here not there
And you'd give anything to get what's fair
But fair ain't what you really need
Oh, can you see what I see

They're tryin' to come back, all my senses push
Untie the weight tags I never thought I could
Steady feet don't fail me now,
I'm gonna run till you can't walk
But something pulls my focus out, and I'm standing down.

Stop and stare
I think I'm moving but I go nowhere
Yeah, I know that everyone get scared
But I've become what I can't be
Stop and stare
You start to wonder why you're here not there
And you'd give anything to get what's fair
But fair ain't what you really need
Oh, you don't need

Stop and stare
I think I'm moving but I go nowhere
Yeah, I know that everyone get scared
But I've become what I can't be
Oh, do you see what I see.

Better Together

2008-02-06T12:02:00.000+08:00

Of green skyscrapers and brown
soil-laden pavements of milo mud
I crawl the journey of unjust
the implications of others' sins

as we moved from bound to bound
sweating the green, bleeding the black
I leave pieces here and there
each tree, a different fragment

we've become indistinguishable
bestials of green brown and black
a foulness in our breaths and debauchery
on our lips, immoral a normality

what is the price of striking hard fast?
the tearing of our souls and intellect
how the gnashing beasts show their faces
amidst our confinement on this island

what is the point of flashing red lights?
they don't shine far and the path
is still uncertain, too many obstacles
I can't see much ahead

Now even my torch light amiss
as I try to find my way around the dark
the stupid red light don't illuminate
the broken pieces that were better together

yeah i might be lonely

2008-01-20T16:25:00.000+08:00

Photographs and yearbook
that I've taken many a look
They remind of past far away
that passed like in a single day

In a second, it all comes right
back to me when there's no light
Nothing was forgotten now
that I saved in a down

As I missed each plane departed
standing at the fence at the runway
I've taken every second for granted
to try for what I had wanted

I think that's the last call
I think the drops are about to fall
on a sunny day and clear moon night
that the ferry's about to leave

Can we have one more shot?
Though I ask this alot
The plane engine muffles my voice
and I'm left with no choice

I have the same ball in my throat
something I can't swallow
Neither can I wallow
but I do try to hide it every day

There's nothing left on this heartland
There's nothing on that island
but look up the stars every night
and spread your wings, fly away

lost minute and moments

2008-01-12T23:02:00.000+08:00

timing, positions ain't right
as it fades away with night
the chessboard is a mess
grandmasters couldn't care less

I'm searching for
a sense in futile purpose
I've not just turned my back
on a cause that's just a stack

the steps ahead groan, crumbling
while the ones behind, grumbling
we're stuck in the present
with no vision nor heads-up

there is a flight opposite, I see
it's the runway where she flees
Time bought her a ticket and
hard work earned her a place

of personal statements and references
she has no need for deferences
how she flies over-ahead
while we're all knocked dead

the sun shines up above
there isn't much of a helping
she's gone, she's going
and finally I'm not following

early in the morning march

2008-01-11T23:59:00.000+08:00

I'm a lone trooper on the line
with pack full of stuff and
a foot full of blisters
I tried to make my time

with my heavy pack and my
battle accessories, I try to toe
a line, but I realised that too
many in front and little behind

with 140 men in front
and some more on my flank
I see the gaps in between
and the nine leading

at the behest of the ghost commander
I can't go further, I can't move faster
the 140 move so far and fast
and I've only stayed at 40

it's 2008 already?

2008-01-05T21:45:00.000+08:00

of reservations and resolutions
our minds are not made
we've built our contingent
of misfits and Reluctance

Let me hear the fireworks again
the pop and the bang in the sky
the fading lights and the hype that
fizzled out faster than the buzz

my second hand ticks fast outside
but comes to a standstill inside
I'm lost in the sea of confusion
where our intellect counts down fast

The lost traveller without a compass
holding the same map of yesteryears
refusal doesn't mean stubborn-ness
but he clutches it tightly

try to put the picture down
and get some sleep at night
it's time to carry on down the path
alone, yet, once again and again

we meet for a final time and part forever
if you're leaving, take good care
hope you've got lotsa nice friends everywhere
cos it's a wild world out there

These hard times

2007-12-31T02:03:00.000+08:00

Morning falls like rain into the city life
There goes another night
Losing my breath in waves
Knowing that ever crash is bleading the hourglass
And taking the strife from all our lives

Everyone keeps talking
They promise you everything
But they don't mean anything

We may loose our focus
There's just too many words
We're never meant to learn
And we don't feel so alive

So goodbye, these days are gone
And we can't keep holding on
When all we need is some relief
Though these hard times
Through these hard times

Move your hands in circles
Keeping me hypnotized
The power behind your eyes
Move around your bedroom cursing the naked sky
You should be here tonight
But you stay alone and cry

Say goodbye, these days are gone
And we can't keep holding on
When all we need is some relief
Through these hard times
(whoa) There's something missing
(Oh whoa) You'll never feel it but you
(Oh whoa) You're gonna feel it when it's gone
When it's gone

Say goodbye, these days are gone
And we can't keep holding on
When all we need is some relief
Through these hard times
(hey) these Hard times
(oh no now) Hard times
Hard times

Say goodbye, these days are gone
Say goodbye, these days are gone
These days are gone

we're all tired...

2007-12-30T23:43:00.000+08:00

We awake, while they still prowl
The air is chilled, time not right
to me, it's not yet end of night
the moon's still high in the sky

the skin walkers they run the day
we put on our coats for a line
as the beastials show themselves
snarling and gnashing their teeth

their bark and their bite don't
but the flesh of civilisation strips
as inherent darkness swarms
to taint our souls in the smoke

as curses norm their mouths
the impressionable echo loud
How, they learn so fast
but yet never understand the ends

at the end of the day, we're here
we grow tired, we grow high
I fear how this strips humanity
I wonder about the soul purity

Hark The Herald Angels Sing

2007-12-25T01:00:00.000+08:00

2000 years plus ago, a woman got pregnant unexpectedly without her fiance's insemination and gave birth to this boy of extraordinary destiny but yet of humble origins. God and sinners reconciled through this boy.

The three magi who offered gifts and the drummer boy who delivered his drum performance

The angels who sang and celebrated this day in the heavens in front of the shepherds

This boy, Jesus Christ, is Christmas...

when we finally kiss goodnight

2007-12-23T22:11:00.000+08:00

oh the weather outside is frightful
while these trees entrap us here
a dash of discipline and a shot of
regimentation and bad English

The uniform's stained with blood, sweat
and dirt. This is just the beginning.
We've been stuck here eons ago
that eternity has passed us by

A mere ten-second tick is slow
as the spirits reach a new low
In the distance a ghostly piano
as a symphony sobs in my ears

I miss this epiphany of the past
Old notes and scales, the familiar
The bar rests and a new tempo
pace and rhythm irregular

the relics are still retained though
they come into dreams, apparitions
the reminders of what was lost
that I awake in cold sweat and tears

I wish we didn't have to go through this change...

2007-12-14T23:47:00.000+08:00

I remember days on track
when we thought we'd never lack
what ignorant larks we were
doing deeds we could never understand

Over games of this and that
the petty ones we'd laugh about
Forgetting the unpleasant times
how the moments are cast in stone

someday, someone still strums a song
that we all know, singing along
with blotchy cheeks and swollen eyes
our strained smiles say everything

look at this photograph, every time
I look at it, it makes me laugh
When we smiled for today and tomorrow
Now I wish we relive yesterday

I was one of the jealous ones
my eyes lit with green, even
as light reflects off the rain in them
That dark clouds and lighting blocked

Now those days are gone forever
They have to fly eventually
But I couldn't stand at the runway
To watch them take off and wave goodbye

And the door looms so close...
I turn the knob and wipe my eye
This is the hour between the past
and the future that we know
nothing about

in this solitary moment

2007-12-14T01:40:00.000+08:00

Shall not write no poetry or what today.basket, tis the last few days of boyhood, before getting verbally abused and stripped of freedom in some anti-thesis of civilization, where lights go out at 2230...

am I nostalgic? naw, I guess I'm just reluctant. I miss those AC days too much. Finally we stop wearing school uniform with all our bloody standards of socks and this and that. It really is the case that I only cherish those days when they're at an end. I thought we wouldn't see the day when the exams ended (like the stuff of legends where people say long time more la). I had imagined a hundred scenarios of goodbyes at prom, but not like what had really happened.
Frankly, we were smiling but we never said anything there. I imagined that it'd be full of tears but then the girls' makeup will run so it never happened.

The whole year, I was actually dreading that day. I counted in numbers and panicked when the numbers dwindled so fast like that.Sometimes I try to forget but I can't (at this point, I'm gonna say this. There is not alota love in my heart, period) Probably I suffer from a flawed paradigm that goes into infinite regress.

You know, I don't think I do one of em Godly acts nor have that much of zeal in me (I actually get freaked out by tongues, or when fellow Christians worship like a cult) Flame me all you want, but I still don't see anything from that point of view. Perhaps my time is not now, that alota things block my view. But I'm not that keen to go nuts like that (really no ofense but i couldn't find another way of describing it)

UYOs...come to think of it. What have I gained from being in one (esp being in it for so long...)? almost nothing. It's like a clown show and then again,you know what to expect.

I'll miss freedom. This Christmas was s'posed to be the free-est of them all, but I guess it's not meant to be. I'm made in this cycle cos of other factors that I shall not say... I leave a tear or two here, cos it has more use here than in THAT island.
Life was never meant to be fair, but it doesn't mean we keep up our smiles like mad, the emotional attachments to parts of the old life is enough to make us want to stop moving forward.
If everyone wants to be a doctor, who'll be the patients? If everyone wants to be a lawyer, who'll be the accused?
What are the girls doing now? They're all also moving on. applying for unis and sitting for tests and all. Christianne is still in Paris (YEah, you got special mention cos you never even come have any farewell dinners for us...and I was s'posed to go learn from your mom how to cook those wonderful gourmet) Some are working too. I think I've always saidthis "We have too little time la!" and there's never a time when I wished there was less. I wanted to relive moments that are memories. Perhaps I hold onto the past too much with all my "Last this...last that..." Every single last moment brings me close to that ball in my throat feeling

What is a future? One that's uncertain and full of question marks. I don't like such random variables. I don't like this feeling at all. Like a bad feeling in your abdomen, something wriggling and struggling against change. The setting is bad enough, the characters are short of one that I shall not elaborate on.

I picked this song. I heard it when I was young but never understood what it meant. Now I think I do. This song brought up an emotion in me when we studied in BK at Rafflescity (cos the management loved to play this CD of oldies that had this song) This song made top charts in 1968 I think. Based off a Russian folk dance song

Those Were The Days by Mary Hopkins

Once upon a time there was a tavern
Where we used to raise a glass or two
Remember how we laughed away the hours
And dreamed of all the great things we would do

Those were the days my friend
We thought they'd never end
We'd sing and dance forever and a day
We'd live the life we choose
We'd fight and never lose
For we were young and sure to have our way.
La la la la...
Those were the days, oh yes those were the days

Then the busy years went rushing by us
We lost our starry notions on the way
If by chance I'd see you in the tavern
We'd smile at one another and we'd say

Those were the days my friend
We thought they'd never end
We'd sing and dance forever and a day
We'd live the life we choose
We'd fight and never lose
For we were young and sure to have our way.
La la la la...
Those were the days, oh yes those were the days

Just tonight I stood before the tavern
Nothing seemed the way it used to be
In the glass I saw a strange reflection
Was that lonely woman really me

Those were the days my friend
We thought they'd never end
We'd sing and dance forever and a day
We'd live the life we choose
We'd fight and never lose
For we were young and sure to have our way.
La la la la...
Those were the days, oh yes those were the days

Through the door there came familiar laughter
I saw your face and heard you call my name
Oh my friend we're older but no wiser
For in our hearts the dreams are still the same

Those were the days my friend
We thought they'd never end
We'd sing and dance forever and a day
We'd live the life we choose
We'd fight and never lose
For we were young and sure to have our way.
La la la la...
Those were the days, oh yes those were the days

and by the way, to this person...STOP DOING STRANGE THINGS AROUND ME LIKE THAT!! I'm bloody freaked out by it all and I wish to be left alone from such sayings in my last day. Don't even SMS me about this or that...I'm not interested, period. Not now, not in the near future. STOP IT

immature. childish

2007-12-13T00:51:00.000+08:00

This is a past I turn from
the future is so uncertain
I resist the possibilities
and hate the inevitabilities

This is a world that crumbles
our past lives fade from view
as a new reality forces its way
and I stand in its way

This is my last stand
against the wind of change
defending my relics ancient
from the spiteful and pain

This is another world
I'm an alien with hot cheeks
awkward in where I stand
the floor burns my bare soles

This is my life now
A spot where someone is amiss
Though things are different now
I still wait at the same place...

this is the land of the disenchanted
you blur out the magic and here
If I was so wrong about this
then the point wasn't even there

This is a beautiful soul I know
There won't be another to meet
so it's well worth the wait
but I hope to hear her speak again

i hate the ending myself

2007-12-11T01:48:00.000+08:00

but it started with an alright scene...

the songs that I know, erased
all melody, all tempo, all lyrics
blanked out into oblivion
memories don't forget themselves

I remember the old scoresheet
of musical notes unplayed and unseen
chords all heard wrongly and
the audience leave the hall hastily

The piece had said "Allegro"
written on its top right hand corner
with notes in staccato and bends
a continuous array of sound

With hasty keys, the treble and bass cleft
clashed in collision and discord
"we've never gone back to the past"
the left hand's lost its touch and tips

I still can play with my right
awkward and painful pauses between
ghosts of old songs linger in my ears
as I tried holding on to tunes of yesterday

the metronome doesn't play rhythm
in reverse, nor in novelty or others
I'll still remember this piece best
the music of a soul that I've seen.

woots...in tribute to my lost music files on my creative player AND that magical piano piece from "Secret"...and underlying theme

nobody said it was easy

2007-12-09T01:33:00.000+08:00

We play the game of hope
with much at stake
putting our faith to the test
not knowing the result or prize

in our passion we grow unwise
that emotion clouds our senses
in our sorrow God's always there
but our tears block the sight

there are no figures nor formula
to anticipate what plans and others
but I'm tired of the unknown
Let me take a break for once

it's not easy
nobody said it was easy

Never coming back

2007-12-07T23:23:00.000+08:00

The last candle on the stand
a flickering flame on the wick, struggling
as the cape settles in again
I close the blinds and turn away

December frost creeps on my window
as a jewel, and another, falls slowly
every flake different from another
but only one's a unique diamond

I've lit all the candles there are
now there's no more light nor warmth
I watch each day pass with dread
that the cold slowly seeps in

There's no walking after more
when there's no proper papers
The doors are hard and guards strong
I finally can't see in the dark

There's no talking tonight
the shadows laugh so quietly
while the silence is so loud
decibels of gray and white

Then the thread snaps, sharp
I stare at the frays, stunned
as the lines of frost melt
another track down the ridges

Sitting against the wall
as they gather again for a dance
I try to force that smile, alone
"So this is finally the end.."

my mp3 player had to be replaced...without the songs inside...heartbreak heartbreak. all my songs

sounds better acoustic

2007-12-06T14:29:00.000+08:00

Won't Go Home Without You by Maroon 5

I asked her to stay but she wouldn't listen
She left before I had the chance to say
Oh
The words that would mend the things that were broken
But now it's far too late, she's gone away

Every night you cry yourself to sleep
Thinking: "Why does this happen to me?
Why does every moment have to be so hard?"
Hard to believe that

It's not over tonight
Just give me one more chance to make it right
I may not make it through the night
I won't go home without you

The taste of her breath, I'll never get over
The noises that she made kept me awake
Oh
The weight of things that remain unspoken
Built up so much it crushed us everyday

Every night you cry yourself to sleep
Thinking: "Why does this happen to me?
Why does every moment have to be so hard?"
Hard to believe that

It's not over tonight
Just give me one more chance to make it right
I may not make it through the night
I won't go home without you

It's not over tonight
Just give me one more chance to make it right
I may not make it through the night
I won't go home without you

Of all the things I felt but never really shown
Perhaps the worst is that I ever let you go
I should not ever let you go, oh oh oh

It's not over tonight
Just give me one more chance to make it right
I may not make it through the night
I won't go home without you

It's not over tonight
Just give me one more chance to make it right
I may not make it through the night
I won't go home without you
And I won't go home without you
And I won't go home without you
And I won't go home without you

on a less personal note

2007-12-05T19:59:00.000+08:00

Now we stand at the crossroads
with one road pointing east
and the other point west
As I wish we didn't have to come here

How we'd wish back yesterday
how we toiled and we smiled
We were anxious for it to end
but never thought after

Days, hours, minutes and seconds
We've spent them all for now
The currency changes, fluctuating
but the costs are now greater

I remember the days in white
of red, blue and gold colours
Now they're grey and yellow
Faded all in photographs

See them smile so silly
There were never enough shots
We could never get tired of snaps
to put memories down to film

The corridors are empty now
as they echo the whispers of the past
It's too late to say anything now
as we move along in life

I've kept words in my chest
that stay silent for the best
but I hold an album of times past
and within a picture close to my heart

eat this

2007-12-05T00:25:00.000+08:00

Another day has passed
as the sand in the hourglass
grows thinner, the second hand
pushes itself against the common will

Oh, even they have lost their chatter
the cold winter presses on still
all that stupid inevitable of greenery
as I wonder what kind of plan is this

I've tried building bridges
my papers disallow my crossing
over seas, in cars and buses
checkpoints and immigrations

There lies the old piano not played
I lay my fingers on Ebony and Ivory
as they forgot how they met
staying silent forever...

The grandfather clock chimes again
yet another has passed, as history collects
the ashes all in an urn, not sparing
the ones who don't let go

I'm walking on the hills at night
as I remember the sunshine of the days
The book lies there in the evening
as a note of reluctance struggles to leave its mark

I'm weary of it all, the ears don't help
I don't curse my own existence here
but I rage at this scheme or plan
and wonder what the hell is it all for.

if i was so wrong

2007-12-01T14:36:00.000+08:00

Essentially, fundamentally
Seasons don't change for our minds
I can't stop the leaves from falling
all in the heart of autumn

This land of disenchantment, too real
Where did the magic of it, all gone?
Now, will it matter if the night was long?
Could it have ever made a diff, or not?

Well, it's a low on the sprites
They've lost the strength in their fights
Can they get back what's not
that two years have taken away

It's such a long wait, with no end in sight
How do we trust God, if it's all so tight?
and sometimes we may be wrong
there's no friend to listen us through

And now there's nothing to bite
the river flows in to smite
the tears can't be too nothing too light
and after this all, there's nothing that can be said

If I'm so wrong, so wrong
how can it happen to take so long
Now let me wait the sudden years
before I ask this old man, "what now?"

Essentially, fundamentally
spring was never about sorrow
they could never understand
what a single winter knows

its the dark chocolate talking...

2007-11-30T01:53:00.000+08:00

I'm NOT OK...

nvm

On the Ballroom Floor

2007-11-29T20:57:00.000+08:00

let the last song play
as I've been counting to this day
decked in the finest, dollars and cents
the power of powder, it doesn't matter

as they close the doors, the clock start
as the Cinderella rushes in last
curtsying as the shadows look in wonder
while everyone's gaze is away

the flashes, the guffaws and laughter
we remember the times once more
cameras out, we want to capture
this moment of hidden tears

music aloud, we sing our hearts
voices choked with emotions
they make the balls so hard to swallow
as we struggle with ourselves to smile

one last photo I want to take
one last time I'll ever see
one last night I was reluctant
for this one last day I'll ever know

and on the ballroom we are in celebration
watch you spin around on the highest heels
you are the best one of the best ones
we all look like we....

after all the songs and melodrama
I finally see how it ends
of poems and songs at length
the missing piece is it never gets there

a good song gone wrong by remix

2007-11-27T01:29:00.000+08:00

how did this

turn to this...

What Hurts The Most by Rascal Flatts
I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don't bother me
I can take a few tears now and then
and just let 'em out
I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again
I pretend I'm ok, but that's not what gets me

What hurts the most
was being so close
And havin' so much to say
And watchin' you walk away
And never knowin'
What could've been
And not seein' that lovin' you
Is what I was trying to do

It's hard to deal with the pain of losin' you every where I go
But I'm doin' it
It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone

Still harder
Gettin' up, gettin' dressed, livin' with this regret, but I know
If I could do it over

I would trade, give away, all the words that I saved in my heart that I left unspoken

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And havin' so much to say
And watchin' you walk away
And never knowin'
What could've been
And not seein' that lovin' you
Is what I was tryin' to do

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And havin' so much to say
And watchin' you walk away
And never knowin'
What could've been
And not seein' that lovin' you
Is what I was tryin' to do

Not seeing that loving you
That's what I was trying to do

I know I used this line in one of my poems before, but the song itself is originally just so...oooh.the evils of techno remixes.sighs...

when will you learn?

2007-11-25T21:47:00.000+08:00

when will couples learn
to respect their marriage vows
when will they learn that children
are not pawns for their stupid rows

when will breadwinners know
that money is not all the dough
that sometimes they can be wrong
that the world is more complex ever

the people that you seem to judge
the problems that you take out
dishing out emotional damage
to your youngest son

I worry, he's got two more
you think he's strong in all these?
there's the bamboo, strong
but hollowed out and shallow

why're you slighting women
when you don't know a thing
that your ego is so in the way
that you can't even see day

when I run away, I'm not leaving
There's nothing I can do
Nor anything that is possible
and I'm suddenly the deserter

This is not a lousy hotel
It's a babysitter's nightmare
with 3 kids under my care
when will they ever learn?

Tribute to Business Case Study

2007-11-25T01:24:00.000+08:00

Handbags And Gladrags by Stereophonics

Ever see a blind man cross the road
Trying to make the other side
Ever see a young girl growing old
Trying to make herself a bride

So what becomes of you my love
When they have finally stripped you of
The handbags and the Gladrags
That your poor old Grandad had to sweat to buy you

Once I was a young man
And all I thought I had to do was smile
Well you are still a young girl
And you bought everything in style

So once you think you're in you're out
'Cos you don't mean a single thing without
The handbags and the Gladrags
That your poor old Grandad had to sweat to buy you

Sing a song of six-pence for your sake
And take a bottle full of rye
Four and twenty blackbirds in a cake
And bake them all in a pie

They told me you missed school today
So what I suggest you just throw them all away
The handbags and the Gladrags
That your poor old Grandad had to sweat to buy
Oh oh

They told me you missed school today
So what I suggest you just throw them all away
The handbags and the Gladrags
That your poor old Grandad had to sweat to buy you

AREA CLEANING

2007-11-23T22:33:00.000+08:00

BEFORE: Welcome to my study area. As you can see, it's not a room...and the posters are old. I put them on the wall a very long time ago when the table could support my weight.so you see... it can't be taken down like how it went up.

my trusty radio that blasts the music for studying (so you can probably expect what kind of studying there is and what kinda bad grades I get)

as you can see, the fan has outlived its life

bad bad bad

where I study

the exam schedule...

below the exam schedule

the unrecognizable shelf

the napping area

AFTER AREA CLEANING

the study area

the napping place now

the napping place AGAIN

there's shelf now

took me two days...and it still doesn't look well

Green Light

2007-11-20T23:19:00.000+08:00

Finally, I'm allowed to have no holds barred enjoyment

Firstly about the exams. MATH HL WHYARE YOU SUCH A DIFFCULT ONE?

I realised that when I walk out of the exam hall today, I was free from academic restrictions for a long long time

The journey was meaningful, fraught with grumbles pain and frustrations. Rantings at horrible assessment, but the end is still worth it, albeit a little reluctant

and my nice player just totally died on me. one week after i put in some songs...all that modernisation must have put a strain on it and now I' m left with songs in my phone to listen while my player gets repaired/formatted(hopefully not!)

now to a whole list of things to be done before I enlist. yeah, contrary to popular belief, I will not disintegrate into nothing when exams are over...

485th post

2007-10-28T01:58:00.000+08:00

Final call before the planes take off
Final call before we all depart
Some are reluctant, some are jittery
We all have to go some day

Our paths all go separate
Some will meet some will never again
These are the last times for hugs
but still a last time for mugging

I'll be your friend always
I'll treasure these memories
I'll remember the days
right before the curtains fall

If this be a swan song
The length has been not long
We go into battle now
all ready with a respectful bow

Walk down that corridor and lockers
Walk down that road the last few times
I'll remember this place and then miss

We'll not fall, we'll not falter
may God be with us all
I'll support you through
and the post shall be no more

built to last

2007-10-22T01:35:00.000+08:00

Giving you the acoustic version cos the actual version is so popular you can hear it on the radio and also cos this acoustic version makes it sound less of a local band(which they are NOT)...so ENJOY!

I've looked for love in stranger places
but never found someone like you
Someone whose smile
makes me feel i've been holding back
and now there's nothing I *can't* do

Cause this is real, and this is good
It warms the inside just like it should
but most of all
most of all, it's built to last
it's built to last

All of our friends
saw from the start
So why didn't we believe it too?
Now look, where we are
You're in my heart now
and there's no escaping it for you

Cause this is real, and this is good
It warms the inside just like it should
but most of all
most of all, it's built to last

Walking on the hills at night
with those fireworks and candlelight
You and I were made to get love right

Cause this is real, and this is good
It warms the inside just like it should
but most of all
most of all, it's built to last

Cause you are the sun in my universe
Consider the best when we felt the worst
and most of all, most of all
most of all, most of all,
most of all. most of all
it's built to last